


Sometimes I'm Not Angry

by Self_Indulgent_TMNT



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Reader's Gender Unspecified, Some Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-07-09 07:40:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19884034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Self_Indulgent_TMNT/pseuds/Self_Indulgent_TMNT
Summary: You loved Raphael. You knew that, deep down. He was your everything, just thinking about him sent you crazy and you had no idea what kind of world it would be if you weren’t with him but you knew you wouldn’t survive in it.But he also drove you crazy in the wrong way. He was gruff and closed and refused to talk about his emotions unless he had at least 3 beers in him. He was angry and violent and god did he know how to rub you up the wrong way.One night Raph is sick of the fighting and decides to do something about it. So do you.





	Sometimes I'm Not Angry

**Author's Note:**

> This fic has been hanging around unfinished on my laptop for ages. It was inspired by various different prompts along the way, some of which made it into the final edit and some were left in the wayside.  
> It's just sort of a mash of ideas I needed to get out.  
> I decided it was time to slap an ending on it and be done.

You loved Raphael. You knew that, deep down. He was your everything, just thinking about him sent you crazy and you had no idea what kind of world it would be if you weren’t with him but you knew you wouldn’t survive in it.  
But he also drove you crazy in the wrong way. He was gruff and closed and refused to talk about his emotions unless he had at least 3 beers in him. He was angry and violent and god did he know how to rub you up the wrong way.  
You loved being with him, loved being able to say he was yours and you were his. But you fought. A lot. About everything. You fought about little things each other said or did; you fought about what movie you should put on or what game you should play; you could scream at each other about a stupid joke taken the wrong way. Anything could set you off. It left you exhausted and drained and angry and sad, but at no point did you consider ending your relationship with him. That would have been worse entirely.  
There were underlying reasons for the fights, of course, but due to aforementioned unwillingness to talk about feelings, a trait you hated to admit you might share, it was impossible to actually deal with those issues.  
That being said, you did love him. So much. So much it hurt. So much that you didn’t even hesitate to go to him on some random rooftop one evening, even though you’d had the mother of all fights the day before and you were still full of rage and bitterness.  
Because he never asked you to meet at places like that, never went to places like that alone, unless something was wrong.  
And as angry as you were, as much as he had hurt you the day before, fighting over god knows what, you could sense that he needed you.  
And you loved him.  
So you went.

The wind plucked at your hair as you stuck your hands in your hoodie pockets and stared at his hunched figure, sitting on a vent in the middle of an unfamiliar rooftop. You were out of breath from the effort it had taken to get up there (did he forget that some people were normal humans and had to actually struggle up those bloody fire escapes? Fuck’s sake), but you had the drop on him for once and you thought you deserved a chance to look cool and mysterious for once in your fucking life, since he was constantly creeping up on you and doing his Batman voice as he slipped out of the shadows.  
“You always pick the most charming places to meet” you said, letting the city light below silhouette you and causing Raph to jump. You allowed yourself a small smile, you never made him jump.  
“You came?”, he didn’t seem to believe you were there. He thought you were lying when you said you’d come. He thought you were so mad you wouldn’t come even when he needed you.  
Clearly he didn’t understand just how crazy he made you.  
“I’ll always come if you call”  
His mouth formed an ‘oh’ shape but no sound came out. You allowed yourself one more second of mysterious, wind-swept silhouette before walking forwards and sitting down on the vent next to him, hip not quite touching his. You were still in a fight, after all.  
“So, what’s this all about?”  
There was a very long, very tense moment of silence.  
“Raph?”  
“We can’t keep doing this, Y/N”  
He was quiet, careful, not him. Broken. You were suddenly very scared.  
“Doing what?”  
Another long silence, then an answer that wasn’t quite an answer.  
“We fight so much. Too much. We… I can’t keep going like this. I can’t fight with you for the rest of my life”  
You felt sick. You knew where this was going, this was a conversation that was heading towards breaking your world.  
“What’s wrong with that? Maybe it’s just our dynamic”  
“Yeah well maybe I don’t want it to be!”, he spat the sentence out.  
“But…” you despaired, not wanting to say what you thought you might be about to. “You’re always so angry, so closed, I… How else are we supposed to deal with things?”  
“But we don’t deal with them, do we?”  
You had to give him that one. “But you get so angry, and seeing you like that, I just match it”  
“Sometimes I’m not angry, I’m hurt, there’s a big difference”  
You pretended there weren’t tears pressing at your eyes. “What?”, your voice was thick and uncertain. It hurt to talk.  
“Sometimes I’m hurt and scared and what I need is for you to say something soothing, tell me I’m not a monster, tell me you love me. And instead we fight”  
“Well how am I supposed to know that?”, you felt your own anger surging back, “I’m not a mind-reader, Raph. I can’t just know what you need”  
“I know, I know, and I don’t expect you to. But I can’t just keep fighting”  
“So tell me when something’s wrong” you pleaded.  
“I can’t”  
“Why the fuck not, Raphael?”  
“I… I just can’t. I don’t do well with talking”  
You snorted. “Yeah, I noticed”  
“Hey, I’m doing my best here, ok!”  
You held up your hands in surrender. “Sorry. We can work on it, we can work on talking instead of fighting. I can try to bite my tongue, ask what’s going on instead. I could”  
No you couldn’t, you knew that. You weren’t too great at holding back when Raph was involved.  
“You know that’s a lie”  
Damn him why did he have to know you so fucking well when apparently you couldn’t even tell when he was falling apart in front of you.  
“I…” you wanted to say something to make it better. But he was right. You settled on a default. “I love you”  
“And I love you”  
“Well then isn’t that enough?”, you sounded desperate, nearly hysterical.  
“Is it? Is that really enough for you? Screaming at each other for the rest of our lives is ok because we love each other? Because if that really is enough for you then maybe I don’t know you like I thought I did”  
You wanted to have a reply that made sense, something that could stop this out of control boulder that was barrelling so quickly towards losing him.  
In the end all you said was “no”. He stood up and took a step towards you. You staggered back.  
“Baby, come on, come here” he said. You shook your head.  
“No. No I don’t want to lose you”  
“You have to admit I’m right”  
For fuck sake why did he have to be right? You felt the tears beginning to escape and something in you let go.  
“How did we screw this up, Raph?”  
He sighed. “I’m sorry, baby. Maybe we just give it a couple of weeks, have some space. Think about it”  
“Yeah. And then a couple of weeks turns into a couple of months, then we stop thinking about each other constantly. Then we just accept that we’re not together anymore and one day I realise that it’s really, properly over and I forget that I was ever in love with you”  
“I won’t let that happen”  
“You say that now, but I know that I’m losing you tonight”  
You desperately tried not to notice that he was crying.  
“I’m sorry”  
You shook your head, wiping angrily at your own tears. “I’m not ok, Raph. I’m not fine. After every single fight I say that I’m fine but I’m not”  
“What?”  
You didn’t know where the words had come from but they’d stalled him and that was the main thing.  
“If the issue is that we don’t communicate properly then here I am, communicating. I’m never ok after we fight. There’s always something I bite down on, something I shut away because I don’t want to fight again because I love you and I just want to be happy with you. Because sometimes we’re not fighting about what we’re fighting about, sometimes I’ve just had a shit day and I want everything to be chill and I’m just tired but you don’t pick up on it so I get bitchy. Or sometimes I’m worried about something or scared or mad at something else and I don’t say and we fight. You’re not the only one who’s not always angry, Raph!”  
He blinked a few times. “I…”  
“If you think we need to change something then try and change something, don’t just come here to break up with me with some bull shit excuse. I’m not letting go of you unless I know I’ve tried everything in my power to keep you”  
“Y/N…”  
“You love me”  
“Of course I love you”  
“I love you”  
“I know you do”  
“Then don’t let me walk away, Raph. Don’t tell me it’s over and watch as I walk away and we never see each other again”  
“I don’t know how to fix it”  
You took a step away from him, shoving your hands into your pockets. “I thought I did, but I guess I was wrong”  
You took another step away, beginning to turn.  
You didn’t get a chance to see Raph’s face as he realised exactly why you’d come, why you’d been willing to meet there. You’d already given up, deciding his mind was made up as he watched you start to leave.  
“Are you really gonna leave without asking the question you’ve been dying to ask me?”  
You stopped at his voice, fingers closing around the box in your pocket.  
“Now hardly seems like a good time”  
“Why not?”  
“I don’t think I’ll like your answer”  
“Try me”  
You finally turned to look at him again. He looked completely different to the man you’d turned away from only a minute ago. He was standing tall, defiant. He wasn’t resigned anymore. Your fingers tightened on the box in your pocket.  
“It’ll take the rest of our lives. Are you willing to give me that?”  
“If you think it’ll work I am”  
“We’ll have to work hard at talking more”  
“I know”  
“You’ve changed your tune from a minute ago”  
“I didn’t think this was an option for you. I didn’t think we could be together for the long haul”  
“How could you think that?”  
He smiled. “We can unpick my psyche later, would you just ask me the damn question!”  
You finally started to smile. “I couldn’t find a ring the right size…” You pulled out the box, opening it to reveal two ring pendants. “And I had to get two since I wasn’t sure who should actually wear it, I’m proposing to you but I’m the one with ordinary fingers, so…”  
“Y/N!”  
“I want to stay with you for the rest of my life, no matter how hard we have to work at it, so I was just wondering if maybe you felt the same and, well… Will you marry me?”  
Raph grinned at you. “Of course I will, you idiot”  
His lips were on yours before you’d finished breathing out your sigh of relief.


End file.
